The UN as High School
Watching last month’s coverage of the UN Summit for Climate Change and especially the seating arrangements at luncheons, I realized something. The UN is just like high school. Hey, it’s already even got the awkward retro 50s architecture. Sometimes stereotypes might come into play and for that, I apologize.
Let’s break it down:
The US is like the Freddie Prinze Jr. of the UN. You can see it in the eyes of other countries as he walks by. Everyone wants to be him. Everyone wants to sit at his table. Not only is he a heartthrob, but he is also smart and sensitive. Some, like the above poster, would even say he is “hip, smart, and hilarious.” Girls want to wear his lettered varsity jacket.
The UK is the witty, not so good looking, best friend sidekick of the most popular guy in school. He’s cool by association and, secretly, he’s kind of jealous because he knows he’s way smarter than Mr. Popular. He bides his time. Maybe until college.
France is also in the posse. He’s the most sexually experienced but kind of an ass. He definitely banged a college girl over the summer.
Rounding out the cool crew is Germany. Now no one would say that Germany is cool. Germany is, in fact, kind of a whiny rule stickler nerd. But Germany is also loaded and his parents let them hang out at their sick mansion. Adults trust him, so he’s often able to sweet talk the group out of trouble. The others keep Germany around for these reasons. Oh, and sometimes he’ll do homework.
Russia is the big, generally silent dude who has an aggression problem. His parents are divorced and the school counselor doesn’t know what to do with him. He lights matches and puts them out with his fingers. Watch him closely.
North Korea? Dropout.
Countries like Libya are the dude who sits in the back corner of the classroom, scribbles furiously into his tattered notebook, and mutters darkly to himself while shooting furtive glares around at everyone. Sometimes he wears a cape.
Chess club: South Korea, Hungary, Chile
Most Likely to Succeed: India, China
The nice guy: Canada. He has a big crush on France’s girl. The Joseph Gordon-Levitt of the UN, if you will. Guys, can’t we all just get along?
The effortlessly cool ones: Sweden, Brazil, Denmark, Argentina
Drives Daddy’s Mercedes to school: Saudi Arabia, Japan, Singapore, UAE
The stoners: Netherlands (duh), Costa Rica
Australia totally puked in your mom’s vase at that last party.
This doesn’t really fit into the scheme of things but there’s one person who deserves special mention. We’ll fit her in as the girl who’s rich and thinks she really awesome and popular even though she’s not in with the cool crowd…yet. The First Lady of Cameroon. As a side note, this woman is the greatest thing I’ve ever encountered. My mind explodes every time I look at a picture of her or read something. I might be her for Halloween. She’s like a diva Marie Antoinette of Africa. Hopefully without the whole revolution and beheading thing. Look at that fierce, bitch you watch yourself look in her eye! I love her.